Kevin McCallister is a Satanist: A Devilish Look at "Home Alone" PART ONE

I'm just going to assume everyone at least knows about Home Alone 1&2 by now, with Macaulay Culkin's defining role as young Kevin McCallister, the boy who ends up free from adult supervision two Christmas seasons in a row due to his knuckle-headed family's incompetence. They're well-balanced movies that blend coming-of-age stories, slapstick comedy, and Culkin's smartass antics (now and then even breaking the fourth-wall) without going overboard on any of them. They're enjoyable movies and I like watching them.

Above: The Kid That Made It All Possible

But enough background. What I'm here to tell you is how by observing Kevin McCallister I have come to realize he is, in fact, a natural-born Satanist (the LaVeyan, not Christian definition) in the ways of individualistic non-conformity and self-preservation. It's not even subtle. Come, we have much to discuss.

Righteous Anger.

First, the original Home Alone. We see from the very first scenes that Kevin is viewed as a pest and resented by every single member of his family (extended family; a family holiday trip to Paris is planned and the Chicago McCallister home is the hub). It seems to be the one thing everyone else has in common. From the audience's perspective, though, the McCallister family is loud, obnoxious, and rife with dysfunction, while Kevin comes across as well-groomed and politely mannered, albeit with a touch of the Devil's mischief. One can already see Kevin's separation from the herd that is his family.

Endless bitching.

We're soon introduced to Buzz, Kevin's older brother, who should be viewed as a concentrated dose of all the thick-headed morons and violently stupid people of the world. With his sneering face and bullying malice towards Kevin, I'd give the "Shittiest McCallister" award to Buzz (though Uncle Frank is certainly an asshole). Buzz also assumes the role of the idiotically superstitious by conveying to Kevin the legend of "Old Man Marley," an unsettling neighborhood character irrationally rumored to have murdered his entire family. Old Man Marley will make return appearances throughout the movie.

And soon, the repulsive behavior of Buzz becomes the fulcrum for the rest of the events of the film (though I suppose things actually work out better for it in the end). The family orders a number of pizzas for dinner. Although they've only begun eating, when Kevin comes looking for just-cheese pizza (the only kind he likes), he finds that Buzz has already eaten it. We know this because Buzz is shoving the last slice into his ugly fat face. The oaf offers to "barf it up," and starts pretending to retch. Meanwhile, Kevin sees his notorious bedwetting cousin Fuller, whom Kevin knows he has to bunk with, slamming a can of Pepsi. With apparently no one else minding that Buzz continues to act like a disgusting asshole with his fake heaving during dinner, Kevin reaches his limit and plows into the shit-head, having enough of his disrespect. Self-preservation! Instead of "turning the other cheek" like a dope, he lashes out at the one responsible for this mockery, and we the audience cheer him for it! Anyone who sympathizes with Buzz in this scenario would be deserving of all ridicule received, and yet we see these patronizing boobs in the real-world telling us to do exactly that to the drooling neanderthals who would act as "Buzz" to us. Never!

These types must be stomped from existence.

Of course, Buzz's pudgy ass topples over, causing a chain reaction that inevitably leads to a brief moment of chaos, though at worst only an inconvenience to the overall dinner. As might be expected, the family levels the full blame onto Kevin. Not Buzz, who was much bigger than Kevin and acting like a complete ass in plain sight of everyone. And was Buzz not prepared for Kevin to attack him? That's the problem with these types. They act like total pieces of shit, yet are completely off guard when you give them the punishment they're practically begging for. Then it's YOUR problem.

Some scowling assholes. NOW they're fucking paying attention!

So yeah, that's what happens to poor Kevin here. Well, maybe if someone told Buzz to go fuck himself like ten years ago you wouldn't have gotten milk spilled on your fucking pizza. Kevin tells everyone exactly what they need to get through their thick skulls, yet no one gives a shit it's Buzz's fault. Fuck the McCallister family. Kevin gets hauled upstairs where his dumb bitch of a mom tells him how he's the source of all the family trouble. Yeah, okay.

So Kevin, the family heretic, is banished into the attic, his Satanic role now fully realized, mentally as well as physically separated from the family herd. Mom even elects not to send the bedwetter up there after all, leaving Kevin isolated with his own anger, where he rightly fumes about his stupid fucking family and wishes they'd all just disappear. Since this conjuration of banishment actually plays out somewhat effectively, one might wonder if Kevin is an unrealized sorcerer! During the night, a freak storm kicks up, cracking a branch that obliterates the phone and power lines. The McCallister's alarm clock gets shut off as a result. When they wake up late, they have to rush out the door, completely forgetting about Kevin in the attic. Yes, we're talking about the shittiest fucking parents and family here.

Kevin's confused as to why he can't hear his family's bullshit.

Okay, so now Kevin is alone, and, unhampered by his feeble-minded family, we can see his personality come into bloom. So what does he do? Well, first of all, he fucking parties! Like any walker of the left-hand path, he takes full advantage of his solitude and engages in all kinds of fun and forbidden activities, the way any good Satanist would! He defiles the bed of his parents, jumping on it while eating popcorn, letting it spill all over the place.  He cuts down a tree from the yard for his yuletide celebrations. He watches violent film-noir while eating a giant bowl of ice cream. He makes target practice out of Starting Lineup figures, shooting them down the laundry chute with a BB gun. He rides a toboggan down his fucking staircase right out the front fucking door! He's thrilled those maggots are gone! Like any Satanic magician, he cast his curse without fear of repercussion and now thrives in the aftermath unsullied by guilt!

Satanic Bad-Ass.

Shit, I guess I'll have to split this up, lest it become so long no one will read it! Maybe you won't anyway! Fuck it! Regardless, stay tuned for Part Two!