Kevin McCallister is a Satanist: PART TWO of A Devilish Look at "Home Alone"
I left off Part One with Kevin now officially "Home Alone." Things seem to be going pretty well for him, now that he's no longer the scapegoat (true devil!) for the entire family's problems. He gets to sit in front of the TV all day watching whatever he chooses and eventually passes out amidst a pile of junk food.
Nighttime. Enter burglars Harry & Marv, the Wet Bandits. They're outside casing the place, knowing the McCallisters are out of town. Kevin is awakened by the slamming of the van doors and sees the two silhouettes passing the window, heading for the basement door. Instead of freezing and immediately running away like a coward, Kevin's resourceful instincts rush him to the light switches. The confused Harry & Marv make their retreat, for now.
After hitting the lights, Kevin takes cover under his parents bed, but soon thinks better of it. "I can't be a wimp," says Kevin. "I'm the man of the house!" As Satanism assigns responsibility to the responsible, we can look at this as Kevin's accepting and adopting an entirely new role, that of home defender. The house is now his responsibility, falling within his domain of self-preservation. He will protect his property at all costs.
Unfortunately for Kevin, his idiot parents finally realized he'd been missing the entire day. They start making phone calls trying to get ahold of anyone who can check on the kid. One of those calls happens to go to a neighbors house while the Wet Bandits are inside looting the place, and the answering machine message left confirms the McCallisters are indeed out of the country. The bumbling parents have once more opened their home and child to the threat of these thieves, however accidental.
Meanwhile, Kevin keeps getting the shit scared out of him by Old Man Marley, still unable to quite look into that particular abyss of the unknown. More on this when the time comes, but not yet.
Upon exiting their latest scene of larceny, Marv places the mark of the Wet Bandits: leaving the water running after plugging the drains. In addition to being low-life thieves, Harry & Marv are despicable vandals as well (it's really Marv who does the deed, but as they're partners, I'll represent them as a mostly singular force). As written by Anton LaVey himself, vandals are self-loathing pitiful imbeciles, who, through their unwarranted assault on inanimate objects, are actually begging for their own destruction. For these two, it's coming.
As they pull out of the driveway, a chance encounter results in Kevin & the bandits coming practically face to face; ie, they nearly run him over. During the brief exchange, Kevin realizes these are the two men who were outside his house the previous night. The recognition startles him, which Harry suspiciously notices. Kevin walks away but the bandits follow, hoping to see which house he enters. As Kevin is sharper than most, he's aware he's being followed and avoids going home. He eventually loses them by posing as a shepherd in a nativity scene, a wolf hiding among sheep, as always displaying the Satanic resourcefulness and instinct for survival. Once they're gone, Kevin drops the guise and heads home, vowing to ready himself for their return.
The next scene shows Kevin finally flexing his Satanic skills as master trickster. I think Anton LaVey himself, with his adoration of artificial people & androids, would be especially proud of how Kevin is able to manifest an entire holiday party under his control & fool the thieves into believing the house is filled with living, breathing human beings. A prank of this magnitude strongly harkens back to the situations illustrated in the Johnson Smith Catalogue, one of LaVey's primary sources of Satanic inspiration. Again, resourcefulness! Using only his wits and household objects, he once again overcomes his adversaries, leaving them confused & confounded. Once again, they leave the McCallister house empty handed.
Afterwards, Kevin revels in his victory over his inferiors by ordering pizza, which is the just-cheese pizza he was previously denied! Same pizza place (Little Nero's Pizza. Nero ruthlessly persecuted Christians. Hmm...), but this time the pizza is solely for Kevin. Sweet indulgence. Kevin knows his power is growing as master of his domain. He utilizes what may be called "lesser magic" to fool the pizza man into thinking an adult was home, employing proper dialogue timing amplified from that sweet movie-in-a-movie, "Angels With Filthy Souls" (though it would take a great deal to arouse much suspicion from any delivery person!). Like the Wet Bandits, the pizza man ends up leaving in one hell of a hurry, and all because Kevin McCallister is of strong mind & will. As a great magician should, he uses brain power to match the advantages of his adversaries.
The following day, the Wet Bandits see the house has mysteriously gone silent once again, and once again they make an attempt to get inside. Harry orders Marv to go check it out. He goes around back to the kitchen door, where Kevin just happens to be washing some dishes. The door is locked but has a pet flap on the bottom (ever wonder where or what the McCallister pet is? Never seen nor mentioned in the two movies. Buzz has the tarantula but it likely doesn't get to wander in and out. Since they can't even keep track of their own kid, my guess is their dog/cat ran away and no one noticed until it had either already died or found a better home). Marv tests the flap with his foot and finds it open. Kevin knows he only has a second before Marv reaches in to undo the lock. The movie is still set up from the pizza delivery, so Kevin acts and repeats the gag. This time, Kevin adds a little extra flavor by exploding firecrackers inside a metal pot to imitate gunfire, again something straight from the pages of the Johnson Smith catalogue. Marv, being a dimwit, is every bit as convinced as the pizza guy, and runs away, tripping over himself.
Harry, not being so easily convinced, decides to hang around and keep an eye on things. Eventually Kevin goes into his backyard and cuts down a Christmas tree. The Wet Bandits realize he's the same kid they followed the day before. This time Harry approaches and sees Kevin through the window, alone. Kevin spots him in an ornament's reflection and pretends to call for his dad, but this time it doesn't work. The Wet Bandits know he's alone, and Harry is more determined than ever to ransack the place. He makes the plan to return at night, when he thinks Kevin will be most vulnerable. As they leave for the moment, Kevin watches from an overlooking window. He knows his fate, and theirs, must be decided in a final showdown.
Okay, we're now well over halfway through Home Alone 1 and heading for the big finish, then it's time to get Lost in New York. Come back for the next installment (Part Three for those not keeping track)!
Hail Satan!
Nighttime. Enter burglars Harry & Marv, the Wet Bandits. They're outside casing the place, knowing the McCallisters are out of town. Kevin is awakened by the slamming of the van doors and sees the two silhouettes passing the window, heading for the basement door. Instead of freezing and immediately running away like a coward, Kevin's resourceful instincts rush him to the light switches. The confused Harry & Marv make their retreat, for now.
After hitting the lights, Kevin takes cover under his parents bed, but soon thinks better of it. "I can't be a wimp," says Kevin. "I'm the man of the house!" As Satanism assigns responsibility to the responsible, we can look at this as Kevin's accepting and adopting an entirely new role, that of home defender. The house is now his responsibility, falling within his domain of self-preservation. He will protect his property at all costs.
Unfortunately for Kevin, his idiot parents finally realized he'd been missing the entire day. They start making phone calls trying to get ahold of anyone who can check on the kid. One of those calls happens to go to a neighbors house while the Wet Bandits are inside looting the place, and the answering machine message left confirms the McCallisters are indeed out of the country. The bumbling parents have once more opened their home and child to the threat of these thieves, however accidental.
Meanwhile, Kevin keeps getting the shit scared out of him by Old Man Marley, still unable to quite look into that particular abyss of the unknown. More on this when the time comes, but not yet.
Upon exiting their latest scene of larceny, Marv places the mark of the Wet Bandits: leaving the water running after plugging the drains. In addition to being low-life thieves, Harry & Marv are despicable vandals as well (it's really Marv who does the deed, but as they're partners, I'll represent them as a mostly singular force). As written by Anton LaVey himself, vandals are self-loathing pitiful imbeciles, who, through their unwarranted assault on inanimate objects, are actually begging for their own destruction. For these two, it's coming.
As they pull out of the driveway, a chance encounter results in Kevin & the bandits coming practically face to face; ie, they nearly run him over. During the brief exchange, Kevin realizes these are the two men who were outside his house the previous night. The recognition startles him, which Harry suspiciously notices. Kevin walks away but the bandits follow, hoping to see which house he enters. As Kevin is sharper than most, he's aware he's being followed and avoids going home. He eventually loses them by posing as a shepherd in a nativity scene, a wolf hiding among sheep, as always displaying the Satanic resourcefulness and instinct for survival. Once they're gone, Kevin drops the guise and heads home, vowing to ready himself for their return.
The next scene shows Kevin finally flexing his Satanic skills as master trickster. I think Anton LaVey himself, with his adoration of artificial people & androids, would be especially proud of how Kevin is able to manifest an entire holiday party under his control & fool the thieves into believing the house is filled with living, breathing human beings. A prank of this magnitude strongly harkens back to the situations illustrated in the Johnson Smith Catalogue, one of LaVey's primary sources of Satanic inspiration. Again, resourcefulness! Using only his wits and household objects, he once again overcomes his adversaries, leaving them confused & confounded. Once again, they leave the McCallister house empty handed.
Afterwards, Kevin revels in his victory over his inferiors by ordering pizza, which is the just-cheese pizza he was previously denied! Same pizza place (Little Nero's Pizza. Nero ruthlessly persecuted Christians. Hmm...), but this time the pizza is solely for Kevin. Sweet indulgence. Kevin knows his power is growing as master of his domain. He utilizes what may be called "lesser magic" to fool the pizza man into thinking an adult was home, employing proper dialogue timing amplified from that sweet movie-in-a-movie, "Angels With Filthy Souls" (though it would take a great deal to arouse much suspicion from any delivery person!). Like the Wet Bandits, the pizza man ends up leaving in one hell of a hurry, and all because Kevin McCallister is of strong mind & will. As a great magician should, he uses brain power to match the advantages of his adversaries.
 |
| Everything to the winner. |
The following day, the Wet Bandits see the house has mysteriously gone silent once again, and once again they make an attempt to get inside. Harry orders Marv to go check it out. He goes around back to the kitchen door, where Kevin just happens to be washing some dishes. The door is locked but has a pet flap on the bottom (ever wonder where or what the McCallister pet is? Never seen nor mentioned in the two movies. Buzz has the tarantula but it likely doesn't get to wander in and out. Since they can't even keep track of their own kid, my guess is their dog/cat ran away and no one noticed until it had either already died or found a better home). Marv tests the flap with his foot and finds it open. Kevin knows he only has a second before Marv reaches in to undo the lock. The movie is still set up from the pizza delivery, so Kevin acts and repeats the gag. This time, Kevin adds a little extra flavor by exploding firecrackers inside a metal pot to imitate gunfire, again something straight from the pages of the Johnson Smith catalogue. Marv, being a dimwit, is every bit as convinced as the pizza guy, and runs away, tripping over himself.
 |
| "Ohhhhh shiiiiiiiiiit!" |
Harry, not being so easily convinced, decides to hang around and keep an eye on things. Eventually Kevin goes into his backyard and cuts down a Christmas tree. The Wet Bandits realize he's the same kid they followed the day before. This time Harry approaches and sees Kevin through the window, alone. Kevin spots him in an ornament's reflection and pretends to call for his dad, but this time it doesn't work. The Wet Bandits know he's alone, and Harry is more determined than ever to ransack the place. He makes the plan to return at night, when he thinks Kevin will be most vulnerable. As they leave for the moment, Kevin watches from an overlooking window. He knows his fate, and theirs, must be decided in a final showdown.
Okay, we're now well over halfway through Home Alone 1 and heading for the big finish, then it's time to get Lost in New York. Come back for the next installment (Part Three for those not keeping track)!
Hail Satan!
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